When I began writing again I never thought it would be this difficult. I remember there was a time when I could write for hours with no problem. I could write short stories and poems about anything when I was younger. Now getting the words down is difficult (almost like pulling teeth) but also more rewarding.I thought I could just start writing again and fall back into it but that hasn’t been the case. It’s a struggle but a fun and intriguing one. I have learned so many things about myself since I’ve started writing.
I didn’t know that was going to happen. It’s was surprising. But when I sit down to type and I’m alone with my thoughts it’s like my true self comes out. Unintentionally my main character reminds me so much of myself it’s scary. Through her, I’ve learned what kind of relationship I want. The kind I won’t stand for. What pleases me. What I won’t stand. What I like about myself. What I need to change. I’ve learned when someone isn’t good for you or they make you feel like as you are you aren’t good enough for them you need to let them go and move on. I learned you may hold on to the first person who showed any interest in you longer than you should.
And I learned BDSM is more than just spankings, being hog-tied to beds and domineering and controlling men. BDSM is so much more than what is portrayed books and movies. You need trust and to feel comfortable enough with someone to let them help you explore your hidden desires. Beth not only trusts her clients but she trust that the club would never let someone come in that would make her do things she doesn’t want to do.
BDSM isn’t about force or control, to me, it’s about trust, open-mindedness, and the will to put you wants aside and do what pleases someone else. You don’t control or force them you help guide them to a place where they can surrender themselves to the desires they keep hidden from everyone in some cases even themselves. Beth tries to say that this is just a job but when she can’t do it anymore in the first book she realizes it’s more than that. She misses it. It’s a part of her.
I want to show readers there are so many fetishes out there that make up BDSM and it’s okay to explore them. It’s okay to be interested in something different as long as the people participating are consenting adults. Some things I would never try but I still write about them for the people that want to know about it or practice it. Or that may find it interesting and want to do more research. I draw from research, personal experience and talking to those that practice it.
I think the most important thing I’ve learned from Beth is that it’s okay to be you. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone (unless they want you to). Be who you are no matter how weird or freaky!
I’m running. As fast as I can through the woods. Branches clip my arms and legs as I try to move through them. Rain soaked mud encase my feet with every step. I know he can see my footprints but I have no choice but to keep running. I hear him. Howling to the moon. He’s close. Have to keep running. What will he do to me if he finds me?
At the beginning of every session, he prefers me on my knees. Waiting for him. Naked except for a pair of black stockings with lace tops. Knees spread on the marble floor but feet touching. Auburn hair cascading down framing my breasts. That is what he likes to see when he walks in. He picks the same suite every time instead of using one of the rooms in the clubs downstairs. Much more private that way. Marble floors, floor to ceiling windows, three bedrooms and two bathrooms. It’s so beautiful and luxurious. But when looked at closely every piece of furniture has some kind of loop for chain cuffs. There is also a tool closet that gets scrubbed daily. Whips, riding crops, paddles, handcuffs, costumes and anything else one would need for any kind of play. Well almost any kind. I was told some things have to be ordered week or two in advance or certain things can only be brought up when requested. Apparently I will know what those things are when I need them. I hear someone coming down the hall outside of the suite and my heart remains steady. I know what tonight’s activity is. The same as every other night.
“Hello Gorgeous,” he says taking up the doorway.
He strolls in laying his suit jacket across the back of a leather chair.
“Been a good girl?” He asks dragging another chair and setting it in front of me.
“Yes Sir,” I say with my eyes glued to the floor.
He caresses my cheek with one hand while undoing his pants with the other.Tracing my lips once before grabbing a fist full of my hair and shoving my head into his lap. It’s waiting for me. Hard and hot when I wrap my lips around it. He lets out a low moan when I work my tongue around the tip. Keeping my hands by my side I work my way down the shaft. Slowly at first. He likes it when I bare my teeth using just enough pressure. His moans become constant and louder as I repeat each trick in a different order. When he fills my mouth I swallow like a good girl while awaiting my new orders. Salty
OD stands me up and leads me to the dining table. Bending me over he kicks my legs open and holds my hands behind my back. I hear him opening something and then smack. A swift hit from a paddle knocks me off my feet and sliding across the table. He grabs me and puts me back in position. He then gets legs and arms cuffs to tether me to the table. When he hits me again I stay put. He moves the paddle down my legs hitting me in an unpredictable pattern. He brings it up between my legs and holds it there. He smacks it lightly before moving back to my ass. Its wet I can feel it sliding down my leg. I know he’s staring at it so I wiggle a little bit trying to get him to touch it. The hit is harder this time but his other hand and rolls my clit between his thumb and index finger. My back instantly arches trying to give him better access.
“Don’t be needy,” he says before paddling me again.
“Be perfectly still and quiet.”
I lay flat on the table trying not to move a muscle. He hits me again. Hard. As the pain radiates throughout my body he sticks one finger inside me. With every hit, he pumps his finger inside me. I struggle trying not to grind against him. With every lick of pain, he sends waves of pleasure over my body and then he adds another finger. He works with two for a little while and then he adds another. Every few hits he adds a new finger until his entire fist is pumping inside me. After every hit, he pumps. My body aches for a release that is taking too long. After a few more hits, wetness is dripping down my leg and I’m biting my lip and grabbing the edge of the table. He stops. I hear him moan loudly before his hand retreats.
“Come let’s go to bed,” he says releasing my restraints.
We go into the master bedroom and get into bed. Within seconds, he is sleeping while I’m staring at the ceiling. We finally try something new and I get no benefits of it. He could have waited I was almost there.
My only dominant is not the same man who bought my virginity. OD isn’t mean to me and he doesn’t treat me to harshly for a dominant. But when I’m with him I miss my clients. He’s a tame and lenient dominant. I guess that could be a good thing. He likes much of the same on the nights we are together. I can’t complain because he has never deliberately tried to hurt me or push me to far but it’s almost the same thing every time. Fisting tonight was different. I guess I just want more. Now that I can I want to explore the club more. With him being my dominant I can’t unless he wants to. He pays me well though to do the little bit he’s into.
Reiner bought it and gave me an amazing weekend but didn’t want to take it further. He says he is into some dark things and doesn’t think I would like it. I find myself wondering what those things are. Our first night together he was far more gentle than I thought he would be.It was amazing. But it wasn’t what he wanted. The next two night we did some light BDSM. What dark things could he like that I haven’t seen at the club yet. When he said that it made me realize there is more to this then I have seen at the other club. I think that is why I want to go exploring so I can see what else is out there. It has to be more than what I’m doing now.
While writing The Jade Dragon I learned so much about myself. I put so much of me into the main character I almost don’t want anyone to read the book and judge it. The main character is me in some shape or form. She is the me that I would like to be someday and the thoughts I dare not say out loud. She’s confident, a bit out going. She is experiencing all the things I want to someday. I learned that I am naturally submissive which is why I think it was so easy for me to get inside her head and understand what she was feeling and what she wanted out of life. I enjoyed writing about her and learning new things and expressing myself in a different way. I look forward to writing more about her and discover new things about my self and sharing it with people.
When I’m finished and sometimes while I’m writing I always go through self-doubt. Sometimes I feel like I’m not a good writer or no one is going to like it. Or it’s not good enough. I love writing. It is something that I have always wanted to do, but I can’t help but feel like I’m not good enough to do it. It can be very discouraging when I’m trying to start a new project. There is always this little voice that says “Oh, that sentence is terrible,” or ” why are you even doing this?”
I try to just shake away the voices and to keep trying. Hopefully, I will get better and someone somewhere will like what I write not just me.
“Man can never know the loneliness a woman knows. Man lies in the woman’s womb only to gather strength, he nourishes himself from this fusion, and then he rises and goes into the world, into his work, into battle, into art. He is not lonely. He is busy. The memory of the swim in amniotic fluid gives him energy, completion. Woman may be busy too, but she feels empty. Sensuality for her is not only a wave of pleasure in which she is bathed, and a charge of electric joy at contact with another. When man lies in her womb, she is fulfilled, each act of love a taking of man within her, an act of birth and rebirth, of child rearing and man bearing. Man lies in her womb and is reborn each time anew with a desire to act, to be. But for woman, the climax is not in the birth, but in the moment man rests inside of her.”
― Anaïs Nin
“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”
― Anaïs Nin
I have really bad social anxiety and a hatred for being around people. I write because when I do I can escape all of that, if only for a little while. I can escape the world that I am in where I feel unloved and unwanted and go somewhere I’m not alone. Somewhere I created where I know everyone and it feels more like home. Somewhere I can be myself with no fear of negativity or being ridiculed for what I think or how I feel about certain issues. I can say what I want and not be made fun of or have to deal with the condescending people that never encouraged me or make me feel like I’m never good enough.
Writing is an escape. It’s a place you go where you can put your most intimate thoughts no matter how dark, or sexual or inane they are and just be completely free. I can be free when I write and that is why I do it I can be me, the real me, that I never get to show anyone because they would never understand.
But most importantly I write for the same reason I crochet (yes I crochet), because I love doing it. I have since I was a child; it was always something that brought me so much joy, much like reading. I love creating places and people and making them feel what I feel or listening to them and how they feel about certain situations. I love writing about the people I see and talk to in my head everyday so everyone else can meet them too.
So no matter how bad someone says my writing is I will continue to write anyway. If you really love doing something never let anyone tell you, you aren’t good enough to do it. Tell them to fuck off and keep doing it anyway. 🙂
I have realized that I am not good with criticism. I know it is a part of life and everyone will not like what you do but still.Good or bad it gets to me. When someone says something bad about my writing it hits me hard and makes me feel terrible. I feel like after a bad criticism that I am a horrible writer and that nothing I do is ever good. It’s that whole all or nothing mentality. And then sometimes I feel like who are you to talk bad about my work. Sometimes a piece of work is so personal I feel defensive like no one has the right to judge it. But in that case, why release it if I can’t take the criticism? It’s frustrating. I know that everything I write will not be perfect but I really need to toughen up and be open to whatever criticism may come my way.
I’m Working On It!!!